replyinredd

This post ( source ), written by a recently divorced man, reveals an all to common trait of men in our age. I understand this trait all too well because it was one I shared. That trait is a deep naivety of the true nature of the human heart.  How does this manifest in the topic of the post? Dig deeper into the responses and you find that this OP's wife was "fine" until a work trip to Florida, then she dropped the divorce bomb. The OP here was blindsided by the demand and only after the divorce was final was the truth revealed. The ex had an affair and suddenly the OP wasn't good enough, attentive enough, giving enough. In truth, this man (like me an many others) didn't grasp that his partner had the capacity to choose to please herself to the detriment of their relationship. He did not imagine that she could see the "low maintenance" of their marriage as a bad thing and he did not imagine that this person would put her and her happiness ahead of their re...

This post ( source ) is offered without comments or thoughts from me, except my plea that you watch the entire video linked there. For those who just want to follow the link to the video please click ( here ).

This thread ( source ) starts with a simple statement and ends with not much else. The poster believes he is at the end of his marriage and makes this post to solicit advice from the group. What surprised me in the thread was how the majority of the comments were not focused on congratulating the OP, rather they offered supportive suggestions like therapy or even tried to draw out the "why" from him. In the responses you can "hear" the treads of regret and frustrations from these men who have lived through the process as they work to help the OP gain some perspective on his situation.  It is not actually a surprise of course. I've been haunting the sub-reddit for nearly two years and the primary tone of the posts and comments is not one of gleefulness and joy. Yes, there are posts where it is clear that the man has had a hard fight and is finally at a place where he feels free to breath. Yes, there are posts where the frustrations of his situation boil over, lea...

It's an interesting phenomenon observed by many men in the subreddit. At a certain point in the closing relationship, the woman who you married seems to be unrecognizable. This post ( source ) suggests she isn't the same woman you married. In my thinking there are two things going on here, the first is that she may be a different person since time is supposed to teach lessons and help us mature; the second is that as her partner you may have been the one growing to the point where the "new" you is no longer compatible. Having seen this question/thought posted on the subreddit on numerous occasions, and having read so many stories of men who's lives were turned upside down due to the actions of their spouses, the one thing that strikes me is just how shocked so many of the men are at the turn of events. It seems to me that we are mostly unaware of the hidden truth about the person we married and blindsided by their choices which ultimately blow up the marriage. I t...

Here is a quick lesson in emotional intelligence. The poster asks how to calm someone down ( source ). At first my reaction was to drop some helpful hints like, "leave her alone", or "why are you bugging her in the first place?"... My takeaway from this quick excursion is that it is WAY to easy to rely on old patterns. The hard-won lessons in emotional intelligence take time and practice to implement and it would seem that one way to keep those lessons warm is to find seemingly innocuous questions that reveal a deeper issue.  In this case I think the way to respond includes something along these lines: First, it's not right for you to try to manipulate her to "step down a notch". Those are her emotions, you have to let her work it out for herself. The best advice is to stop trying to "manage" her. Second, are you trying to help her take it down a notch just so you have to deal with the emotion? Do her emotions make you afraid? I think you nee...

Some good advice from this poster ( source ). Honestly, getting to a point where the memories of the former relationship are not full of anger, confusion, recriminations, or outright disdain seems like a long-shot to me. It isn't like the entire 20+ years of marriage was horrible, but the difficulty of learning about her betrayal, coupled with the many years of frustrations over her dwindling interest in me, added to the 20+ years of continuous, low-level annoyances has left me with very few "good" memories of our time together.  What's hard is trying to separate what I know about her today from the positive experiences, like having our children or being on vacations, or other positive moments. As I think of those events I can't help but wonder if she "felt" the same way about me then as she did in the last few years. Was she hiding her true feelings at those times because she was playing the long-game? Is it possible she did really have positive feeling...

This post pulled at my heart for obvious reasons. ( Source ) I believe, in spite my experiences with marriage, there can be a distinct benefit to being married, assuming the two parties in the marriage are healthy humans.  However, from this poster's point of view, he sees a world of broken men who foster the hurts of broken lives and broken loves and fears the same is possible, or even likely. It might be an inevitability. Certainly focusing on the fear of something happening would seem to increase the likelihood of it happening (in my humble estimation). Yet, I think there is a kind of healthiness to the self-preservationist behavior of observing things in their natural state (current marriage dynamics) and considering the wisdom or folly of joining the crowd. It certainly takes away any pretense of "ignorant bliss". Harnessed properly, this skeptical view could help keep him from the pitfalls he sees around him. That said, no one should forget any endeavor involving hu...

  This morning I ran across this thread ( Source ) and found myself reflecting on the pathos of the original poster's anguish. The comments and responses to this opening salvo are full of the heartbreak of men who are denied access to their children. Finding themselves pushed aside for the benefit of the woman who rejected them. Don't mistake my words as an assumption of innocence or worthiness on the behalf of any of these men. I am aware there are scoundrels among us who can put on the coat of sorrow. However, one cannot (or perhaps should not) read these stories and miss the tone of their torment. If we're honestly looking at the state of men in our culture I believe we'd admit that there are many examples of men who've lost the dignity of manhood through whatever mechanism they personally have endured. For many it was the lack of fathers in their youth who left the disconnected from the nobility of making the effort to fill one of their more unique roles in life...

 I ran across a slightly funny post this morning. Do you really have have a life plan laid out for like 10-20 years? My mind becomes somewhat clouded when I try to plan for my future. Or is it just the steroetype? ( Source ) I couldn't help but chuckle just a little bit. I remember the sixteen year old me making plans. And the 19 year old; the 21 year old; the 23 year old.... Then I figured out that nothing I planned came to be what I hoped. There were and are LOTS of reasons for this reality, mostly related to me. However, over my life I've learned that God has a way of allowing me to be in places where progress is inevitable and experiences are unexpected. Learning to focus on personal growth, and a willingness to accept I can't "make" something happen allows me to remain available and flexible.  So far the path has been winding and full of pitfalls, but I'm still on it.