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It Starts with Belief

This poster (source) is facing the certainty of divorce and is reacting to the overwhelming challenges that he faces. It strikes me that most people see the divorcing man and assume that all he wants is to be free to "live his life" yet I see these comments and posts and recognize the struggle to believe that I have enough skill, power and fortitude to survive and thrive.

I remember the day I knew that divorce was my only option. It was after some radical revelations that left me reeling with emotional overload. My mind went immediately to the challenges of raising my three children without "help" and I could not imaging how to be a single dad while working, taking care of my home, recovering from the 20 years of abuse, and everything else that my mind was fixated on.

I did not proceed to divorce for another seven months, and the divorce was final one-year after the life-changing event. In that time I started to take control over my life and began to steadily implement changes to the way I parent, the way I manage my time, the amount of "free" work I give to my employer, etc. By the time the divorce was final (almost exactly one-year ago today) the scariness of "doing it on my own" was no longer there.

There was a moment when I was bemoaning the idea of being single and not having the support of a spouse anymore. Then I remembered like a bold of lightning... I never had that support from my former spouse. She fought me daily for 20+ years. She actively voided the life-lessons I was trying to teach my children. She actively avoided any effort that I took to teach her about managing money or being frugal. She demonstrated the highest level of distain for my feelings or my needs. With her out of my life my path is no longer hindered by her active sabotage.

Fight for 50% custody. Build routines and balance for your kids when they're with you. Learn to be ok with not worrying about what she's "instilling" in them and remain steady and consistent for them. Keep your lines of communication with them open and validate their feelings and support them as they grow. There will be a day when they remember you were the parent who cared enough to teach, guide, support, and love them through it all.

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